


Take Me Out, Max, I'm Bored

by IronCladFeatherFeet (handschuhmaus)



Category: Get Smart - All Media Types
Genre: Awkwardness, Dialogue Heavy, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I wrote (parts of) this instead of sleeping, Kissing, Multi, Ninety-Nine is (mostly) In Control, Robot/Human Relationships, Threesome - F/M/Other, Why Did I Write This?, a little period-typical homophobia, awkward sex education of a robot, because that's what it is but oh well, built sexy yesterday, might be continued might not, not necessarily canon compliant, possibly anachronistic euphemisms, probably this should also be titled with a play on Anatomy of a Lover, quote unquote fully functional robot, references Episode s2e01 Anatomy of a Lover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-05-15 05:37:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19289236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/handschuhmaus/pseuds/IronCladFeatherFeet
Summary: A double date that Hymie contrived the circumstances for turns into an intimate evening for three in Max's apartment, if one full of questions proceeding from the robot's limited knowledge in some areas.





	Take Me Out, Max, I'm Bored

**Author's Note:**

> I'm watching Season 3 currently (finally got it!) and there are so many ...husband+wife jokes surrounding Max and Hymie but also some other guy that Max stayed with in one episode...
> 
> the old kiss-your-partner-agent-to-distract-bystanders-from-your-identity trick is shamelessly cribbed from ~~St~~ Sneed and Mrs. Neal in "Run Robot Run"
> 
> ~~the gimlet is the fault of me reading the original Julie/Julia Project blog, although I have not yet had one. Given that they're cited as being a favorite of possibly Phillip Marlowe, they shouldn't be utterly anachronistic, but whether they were at all popular in the 60s/early 70s I've no idea. also I actually know basically nothing about cocktails.~~
> 
> oh, and Hymie _isn't_ ...y'know "fully functional" [wink and a nod]
> 
>  
> 
> ~~not beta'ed. might, unusually, be, later.~~

"Are you sure we ought to be doing this, 99?" Max asked, naturally assuming that kissing one's colleague was probably a bad idea, and interrupting that very activity with his question.

"Shhh!" 99 hissed, and resumed kissing him. It was a very good kiss, he noticed. 

"Okay, good, now they're gone," 99 said, and very quickly patted her hair back into order. 

And then Max's shoe phone rang. "Yes, Chief," he said, as soon as he had could divest himself of the shoe and answer it. "No, I'm here with 99." "What, we should stand down from the mission? Chief, are you _sure_ this won't allow Siegfried to get a jump on us?" "Oh, really?"

Holding his hand over the heel, er, mouthpiece, he informed 99, "The Chief wants us to go on a double date. Scope out a restaurant that might be a KAOS front." 

"A double date, Max?" 99 asked with curiosity. 

"Er, I'm supposed to find Hymie a date. You don't know any girls who would go out with a cybernaut, do you 99?" 

"It's really too bad Phoebe isn't here," 99 said thoughtfully.

Before Max could reply, a young woman carrying a large paper sack of groceries tried to walk past them in the apartment building corridor and bumped into Max. She began to mumble a rote apology, only to be interrupted by Agent 86. "Say, you wouldn't be willing to have dinner with us and a friend? He, uh--"

"He was stood up, well, that is, the young lady said she had a family emergency," 99 filled in smoothly. "He's such a dear and he'd be so much happier with someone to talk to."

"Not that Hymie is a sterling conversationalist, but he can be charming," Max added.

"Um. Okay. I have to go in at oh four hundred tomorrow morning to transcribe an important transatlantic phone call for my boss, so I won't be able to stay, but I could use dinner out." She nodded thoughtfully. "I'm Mickey." 

"Well, Mickey, I'll just ...call Hymie on my shoe, and you can meet us back here and..."

Realizing this was bound to draw attention to them, 99 explained, "Don't pay too much attention to him. He's just crazy about technology. And Hymie is really into electronics too--" she remembered when Hymie had told Phoebe electronics were _in him_ "--but he _will_ talk about other things."

Mickey raised her eyebrows but nodded, shifting her sack of groceries and proceeding down the hall to what must have been her apartment door, saying only "I've got to put away my groceries first, though.

Dinner was curiously uneventful, though Mickey begged off dessert and most decidedly _not_ having hit it off with Hymie, declined the offers to walk her home. There was no evidence that the restaurant was a KAOS front, either, but there was after dinner music and 99 opted to have a dance with Hymie, since Max showed more interested in complaining about the music than dancing. 

"Hymie," 99 said, curiously, in the car as they headed back to Max's apartment, "do you know why the Chief wanted you to come along on that assignment? Max and I could have easily managed it, and we wouldn't have had to find you someone. Not that I mind dining with you at all--"

With his typically cryptic motivation, Hymie replied, petulantly, "The Chief called your apartment, Max, and I said I was lonely and wouldn't Max come home and take me to dinner. I don't like being cooped up in the house all day." 

99 chuckled. "No, a lot of people don't, Hymie."

"Hymie, I wish you wouldn't say things like that," Max protested. "People'll think... well, not to talk about that with a lady in the car," 

"What?" said Hymie, managing to put a surprising amount of innocence in his voice for a robot, at the same time as 99 protested: "Max! I don't mind." 

"People, Hymie, might think you're my robot ...wife or something. Although you wouldn't make a very good wife. You don't have a face for lipstick."

Which only provoked the complaint, "Who says I don't?"

"You are a boy robot, Hymie," Max said, intently. He tried to stuff layers of meaning into the sentence, but it came out a little less certain than he'd meant _and_ once it had left his mouth he realized all of it would probably be lost on literal-minded Hymie.

"Is he really a _boy_ robot?" 99 asked, in a way that made Max curiously uncomfortable and sent a little flip into his stomach and nether regions.

Hymie's response was "Of course I am a boy robot," as they got out of the car. No one said anything to that while they walked to Max's apartment door, although Max hummed a tune from a musical that had popped into his head while he worked the keys in the door.

Shockingly, as soon as they were inside with the door shut, 99 apparently stopped holding her tongue and asked, "Mmm, well, do you have a...?" 

"Ninety-Nine, why would KAOS give their killer robot--sorry Hymie--a cock?" Max blurted before remembering that this was hardly a proper topic for in front of a lady and _she_ had brought it up! A very puzzled expression came onto his face, equaled only by several others in more dire circumstances.

"I do not have any chickens," Hymie rumbled.

"Mmm, no--Hymie, has anyone ever told you about the birds and the bees? Also that you're terribly cute, and a good dancer." 99 grinned coquettishly at their electronic companion, and took his hands.

"Birds are... birds are... flying animals. Also bees are flying animals. But bees are small and mostly yellow and cute. ...are bees birds, Agent 99?"

Hymie did not get an answer.

"Ninety- _Nine_!" Max exclaimed, neglecting the previous matter, "you're flirting with a robot!"

99 gave him a pointed look. "Max, sometimes I think I could dance around your apartment in one of those lacy little babydoll things and all you'd do is ask me what my mission was."

Max gulped. "Ninety- _Nine_! Do you mean you ... _like_ me?"

"Oh, Max..." she said dreamily, her hands still in Hymie's. 

"May I kiss you, 99?" seemed like the only thing to say.

And they did, although it was a little hard to do it properly considering she was holding hands with Hymie. 

Speaking of Hymie, he tried to kiss Max on the jaw as soon as he had pulled away from 99. It was, especially in comparison with the splendid and revelatory kisses with 99, very bad. Hymie apparently was not programmed for kissing, or at least perhaps not on the cheek (unless Max had moved unexpectedly?), but Agent 86 was slightly baffled to realize he didn't mind the idea, and indeed impulsively jumped into the idea that popped into his head, saying, "Here, Hymie, let me show you," and kissing the robot intently, trying to demonstrate proper kissing technique. It was not unlike kissing a congealed salad, which must have been due to the composition of Hymie's face, and despite having eaten dinner with them, Hymie tasted very faintly of kerosene, or at least the way it smelled. 

"Max," 99 purred into his ear. "You cannot have Hymie's only kissing tutor be another man." 

Before he could protest, Hymie was being treated to 99's excellent kissing, and apparently trying to respond a little, although he was definitely not up to par _yet_. 

"You're going to need more lessons," Max said firmly, refusing to contemplate that he possibly shouldn't be kissing Hymie, for several reasons.

" _And_ we need to do something about the kerosene if you ever need to kiss someone in a cover identity," 99 pointed out.

"Kerosene cleans and lubricates my insides," Hymie informed them imperturbably, even though he had 99's lipstick on his face now. 

" _Yes_ , but if they don't know you're a robot--you look pretty human--you shouldn't taste of kerosene."

"Why don't we demonstrate, 99?" Max proposed, and (with no idea where to go mentally with the idea of kissing his robot friend and coworker _and_ also 99) moved in, to make out quite lustily with his fellow agent, while Hymie watched. This one session left Max slightly out of breath and, truth be told, slightly aroused, for which reason he withdrew, and then fixed each of them a drink, including absentmindedly mixing one for Hymie.

"Max," Hymie complained, "Agent 99 still has not explained the human things she asked me about. Also," he stared at the gimlet in front of him, "I remain unprogrammed for drinking."

"Oh, uh, well--" Max said, uselessly, and then asked, plaintively, "99, is me teaching Hymie kissing going to be a problem?"

"I shouldn't think so. After all, we come across all sorts of people in the spy business."

"Well, I _meant_ with you. I mean, if I'm kissing you on a regular basis--"

"No, Max," and 99 smiled a resolve-melting smile before sipping her gin and tonic. 

"Max, I have reviewed my memory tapes and I still do not know why you thought I would possess a chicken."

"Um, not a chicken, Hymie--" Max muttered, and then downed a larger mouthful of his own gimlet than intended, which made him cough.

"I think you'll have to show him, Max. _We'll_ have to," 99 proposed.

" _Ninety-Nine_! I didn't think you were that sort of girl!" Max said in horror at the proposed impropriety, rubbing his lips and then swallowing the wrong way with all the fuss. 

She was calm. "Whyever not, Max? And it's not as if we have to take any unnecessary risks, huh?"

All he could think to say was "I mean, Hymie, and--you said you could see Phoebe _winding up the kids_ ", forgetting that Hymie didn't know about that.

"I know, Max, that was a joke." 

"Does the chicken I don't have have something to do with Phoebe being in love with me?" Hymie asked, just as matter-of-factly as someone saying something many, _many_ times more sensible about chickens. 

Max tried to begin: "Er. Hymie. When you take off your underpants, what's inside?"

But that only confused the robot. "Is this a riddle, Max? When I am not in my underpants, there is nothing inside them. Is the answer air?"

"He means-- _we_ mean, what do you have in your underwear area, on _you_ , Hymie?" 99 asked provocatively, and Max's own underpants region was slightly troubled, darn it, with the format of that question.

Hymie frowned. "There is an access port for repairing part of my memory tape reader, and a drain for oil changes. Do humans then--" and here the normally confident robot faltered, "have something particularly... interesting that they put a special item of clothing over it?"

"Something very interesting, Hymie. Well, mostly two different interesting somethings," 99 told him. 

"Two--?" Max's mouth got out before his brain could intervene "Why 99, is it different for girls, I guess maybe? I mean, I wouldn't have said--"

" _Max_ ," she said pointedly, "I was trying to suggest that it is. Although I wasn't thinking about how many things..."

"And none of these things are chickens," Hymie proposed, and laughed at his own not-quite joke.

"Ah, no. No chickens in our underpants," 99 said, draining her glass. "Come on, Max, let's go up to the bedroom where we won't be disturbed."

"I can stop people from disrupting you," Hymie offered.

"Shhh." 99 put a finger over Hymie's mouth. "Hymie, you'll be _busy_."

"Because you're coming with us," Max said quickly, his tongue somehow having worked this out before his conscious brain did. So there was a bit of delayed shock, and also the arousal hit again at the idea of, well, going to bed with Agent 99. But then again, Hymie would be present. Hymie, his robot friend. Who would probably be fine if Max was... into men, except Hymie also wasn't a man, _exactly_ , which 99 had pointed out and... it would be _awkward_. It would be beyond _awkward_ , not even for emotional reasons but for physical ones, but suddenly the idea of Hymie helping with his pressing difficulties, specifically the one threatening to make an appearance from that same underwear area, did not sound bad. 

"I will put this glass where it will not be knocked over in the normal course of your day first," Hymie announced, solemnly picking up his glass. If Max didn't know any better, he'd think Hymie was stalling. 

In the meantime, 99 whispered in his ear "Max, darling, I really do need your help with this. I didn't think you'd go for it yet but then I also didn't realize Hymie would actually present the opportunity, and I don't think he'll be _helpful_ yet." She pulled his hand up her (very short) skirt, and Max reflexively resisted until he had processed that he was most definitely invited, only to have two fingers pressed to the damp crotch of her panties. "I trust I'm not forcing you, but I am having trouble resisting you _and Hymie_."

"Ninety-Nine, not until we get up to the bedroom. I have the... well, the analog--analo--same sort of problem," he said chivalrously, struck with a thrill at the idea that she had shared his difficulty, by being aroused. "But we're going to have to ...teach Hymie?"

"Oh, yes, I'd certainly imagine so," she agreed, and after a pause added, "I _do_ like the idea, Max, I mean--not you, but flesh-and-blood men can be so rude about these matters sometimes and I hate to say it, but Hymie is so obliging. Do you think he's programmed for _any_ sort of ...pleasure, I mean for him?"

This seemed to be getting out of Max's depths. "Er. He's always saying he's friends with toasters and--"

"Are you talking about me behind my back?" Hymie returned and asked, if more puzzled than hurt.

"Let's uh, take you up to the bedroom and give you a lesson in seduction, Hymie," 99 invited.

Agent 86 scrambled for something to say. "Oh, um, yes--" and then his mouth once more ran away and outpaced his conscious thoughts "--start taking off your suit when you get up there."

The command seemed, unusually, to puzzle Hymie, although he did follow through. 99 kept sneaking peeks at their robot friend-slash-coworker (and soon, it seemed, to be more). In any case, his report regarding his groin was accurate, but omitted a thin fabric strip attached to the metal in strategic locations, to hint at flesh and support his human masquerade, should his clothes gape or something.

"I'll uh... get out of this and into something more comfortable?" Max proposed. It seemed like a line he'd heard used to good effect in a movie or something, although just now he couldn't think where.

99 contradicted him. "No, _I_ will get you out of your shirt," and she pulled at the button bands briefly while Max closed his eyes, fearing that she would make all his buttons pop off and fly every which way--maybe even into his face and eyes! As the stitching held firm, she switched to unbuttoning, deftly, and made no objection when he undid his pants and belt, and let them fall, leaving him in shirt and briefs. He already felt practically naked in front of 99! But he still glanced over to Hymie, who was eyeing the scene with typical curiosity.

Before he could work out the words to ask if he could help 99, she had simply and unselfconsciously wriggled out of her dress and shed her hose. He hadn't noticed what had happened to her shoes, only that they did not seem to be in his bedroom. And, with minimal aplomb, she deftly unhooked her brassiere and slid her panties down, standing before him and Hymie naked (now Max had the most clothes on, and he was seized by the desire to remove his shirt so that he did not feel overdressed).

"No chickens, Hymie," she said, grinning, and then lay on the edge of the bed and opened her knees so Hymie could see, and well, Max could not help looking a little. "So, this is one sort of human anatomy between the legs, typically associated with women." 

Hymie inspected 99 owlishly, the scene striking Max as incredibly awkward, in some sense, and so--somehow--the logical thing seemed to be removing his own briefs. 99 glanced over at him and shot him a mischievous, approving smile--he had just been ogled naked by his partner spy, and also she was doing a combination of seducing and educating on the topic of sex their robot colleague. What a surreal situation.

"Hymie, would you mind if I demonstrated one of the ways humans have sex, with you? It won't hurt and you might even enjoy it, although probably in a different way. Later, I'd rather like to know if you'd be good at other ways, but I think you need to learn more first." 

And so she straddled his thigh and moved herself up and down, pressing into the firm metal in what must have been a pleasurable way. Watching was not exactly helping Max, either, and he had to look away to tame the need to possibly touch himself and so waste his opportunity here with 99 and probably confuse Hymie's education. When he stopped counting bricks, she had stepped back, and looked _very_ pleased. 

Their robot lover felt the slick secretions 99 had left on his thigh. "This--" Hymie faltered, but they were looking at him expectantly, so he continued "would make a good lubricant." Perhaps he had thought the comment would be rude.

"Well," said 99 impishly, glowing with pleasure, "when a mama and a daddy love each other very much and they want to have a baby, they can bring the necessary bits together and start one growing by inserting tab P"--she gestured in the general direction of Max's crotch-- "into slot V, and that goes much better with lubrication, even above and beyond the natural."

"I hope it isn't corrosive to metal," Max heard himself say.

She seemed almost offended. "What do you _think_ would come out of my cervix, Max?!" 99 asked.

"Well, my mother said she couldn't wear dark underpants because they'd go light!" he retorted. 

Hymie took the opportunity to point out, "Your stomach acid would be corrosive, Agent 99. Please do not vomit on my unclothed metal parts." 

"Er. Point noted. Very well, Max, we'll make sure we clean Hymie's exterior thoroughly after this."

At least Hymie seemed a little thoughtful and did not object to the concept of a bath, as Fang might have. "It was interesting. I do not think I would consider it _fun_ , but it was much better than watching paint dry, for instance." 

86 could not help but object, "That's scathing praise, Hymie." 

"Well, I run on electronics, Max," Hymie said petulantly, turning towards him. "I don't have a human thing in my underpants, as you can see." 

"To be fair, Max, it probably wouldn't rank high on the list of pleasures for the other person."

Before they could discuss this further, Hymie really examined Max and pronounced, "My memory banks would like to identify your underwear chicken as a mushroom, Max. However, it also reminds me of the time I tried to determine what the restroom was for and the KAOS scientists put a memory block on that incident."

"--why?" Max asked, even as with a nod to an asking look he gave 99 leave to touch him, and the thought of that combined with the impending reality threatened truly desperate cravings to get off. "Did they think their killer robot would look too homosexual?" 

99 began by touching the tip of him and then stroked her hand around the circumference of his length, but, with the true emotional control of a spy, she looked askance at him even as she did this, and he naturally quailed at the fact that, provided Hymie understood, shortly, how to be gentle about it, he was not inclined to object to the most certainly male robot joining her.

"No, they said too many people found my behavior creepy and inappropriate. I had not learned that it is impolite to stare yet." 

"Oh. Well that makes sense," he blurted. "Um, Hymie, you actually being good at this is probably Lesson 2--humans don't always get it at first either, but um, why don't you copy what 99's doing, and, well, touch me? In any case, if you're a boy robot, you probably should get enough experience to distinguish penises from mushrooms." He blushed at saying that in front of 99, but then she was touching his, again, and didn't seem concerned by it. 

And Hymie looked on, watched (probably impolitely by some standards) by Max, as 99 drew her hand along him in a surprisingly perfect way. 

"This is associated with kissing?" the robot spy asked.

"Well, yes," Max agreed without thinking. 

"Max?" Hymie asked, presenting his face up close to Max's. They kissed (Hymie was improving, although the kerosene issue was not), and also the robot ran inexperienced but surprisingly deft fingers along and around him, a surprisingly tantalizing touch. 

"...Ninety-Nine?" Max asked, thoughtfully, "Do we know how to clean Hymie?"

"I would have thought so," she said, distractedly. "Max--and I presume you know--do you think you could show Hymie how to touch me?"

"In a moment--or so," (this came out more snappishly than he really meant it) "I think I would also like to leave cleaning uh, semen off Hymie for lesson 2." 

"But there _will_ be a lesson 2, then?" 99 asked softly.

"Er, I'd go for it if you will, 99. Hymie?"

The robot dutifully replied, "Yes, Max? Does that include my hand?"

99 cut in before he could answer that and suggested "Why don't you let me try to help Max finish, and you can think about what you might enjoy?" 

"As I am powered by electricity, I wonder if that would be somewhat analogous? Although my new enthusiasm for niceness might also mean I would enjoy cuddling. Since now that you've told me about some of this, I think people have talked about it in association with 'sex'"

Agents 86 and 99 exchanged pointed looks, and Max finally said, "Well, I don't know, but just give us a few minutes, and then we can try?"

**Author's Note:**

> uhhh abrupt ending ~~that contains an awkward Franz Ferdinand-the-band (, the song that is also kinda a double entendre about the archduke of the same name) reference~~!
> 
>  
> 
>   
>  ~~people, I am no great fan of Austin Powers, but as the um... Scene Transitions (powerpoint-esque) come into play in later seasons of Get Smart... I think they were referencing that in the movies.~~  
> 


End file.
